every now and then, I used to experiment 
just how much more I could bear.
when in the bathtub 
I would sink my head in, 
trying to hold just one millisecond more than I did the other day
until I jump out of it and start to cough and gasp,
but with the struggling smile of having achieved my feat.
and then some other days, 
I would scream with all my heart, 
just to see if I could  do one extra breath than the previous day.
I would pinch myself harder than I used to, 
to see if I had increased my threshold of pain.
Oh, and how can I forget the days 
where I would twist my hair 
with my fingers out of boredom 
(which soon turned out to be a personal battle of it's own), 
tugging, to see just how much more 
I could take in the agony.



But not all days were so.
There would be days
when I was too afraid to submerge my head in there
for even half a second,
for some irrational fear of drowning in that shallow bathtub.
There were days when I was scared to death 
that I would lose control of my breath if I kept screaming louder.
Days where the red mark of that pinch 
that I was too sure to be harmless would linger, 
red and bright.
And there were days 
when my head would be throbbing of all that pressure.



But then, I knew.
That even if I didn't go one mile extra than my previous attempt,
It would be okay.
There were still days to come,
Or better yet, there would be still me,
Yearning, to become even an atom stronger than before;
And those days would be better.

As well as would I.